


Until Death Brings Us Together

by pigtalemydarling



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 22:29:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigtalemydarling/pseuds/pigtalemydarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has guardian angels, but never the right one..</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until Death Brings Us Together

You have it, or you don’t.

I never thought I would, but god blessed me with this gift. Is it a gift though? I’d say no.

It is kind of scary if you aren’t used to it and even more scary when you aren’t expecting it. In the darkest periods of your life, the times you hate life, hate everything that life brings you, the times you’d want to kill yourself, the times you abuse yourself till the blood covers your pain, he shows up. Whenever you think you don’t need anyone, he comes around and tells you you need him.

Movies and books always show them in the wrong ways, though I can’t really explain in either. They say he or she is lovely, that he or she understands you and knows how to deal with every single situation. But they can’t and they still manage to change my mind..

“Everywhere we go, the sun shines. Look Harry, look how beautiful that sun is. You could be a part of its pride. You could make it shine brighter. Make it shine brighter Harry. Live like you are the only one it shines for.” That are the sentences every single guardian angel I’ve met said. And I don’t know about you, but I think it’s ridiculous, but then why do they keep changing my mind?

You know what I also hate? Not everyone has a guardian angel, but then, why do I? I don’t want a freaking angel or whatever the fuck he is. I want to die. I don’t need to be protected or saved. I can decide for myself. Also, in books, and films, guardian angels are always the same person, and I get a different one every time. Not that I mind, cause they’re all assholes anyway.

 

———

 

It wasn’t that I had that much of a shitty life…

 

Ever since I got diagnosed with cancer, I fell into heavy depressions. Let’s say, depressions with capital letters, they were the worst… I was always the kind of guy that looked at things in a positive way. No matter how bad or painful something was I was optimistic and my view on the world encouraged a lot of my friends to do the same. But these depressions totally ruined my life…

It all started with a bit of pain in my stomach for a while, when I was 16 years old. At first, no one really paid attention to it, and neither did I. But through the year, the pain got heavier, and almost unbearable. I hadn’t told anyone about the pain because I thought it would pass by and I didn’t want to make anyone concerned. Though, later, my excrements got bloody and I lost weight for no specific reason.

 

This lasted until one day, I collapsed at school..

 

School was my favourite place on earth, it might sound weird but I really enjoyed school. I was leader of the football team, popular and all. I also enjoyed singing and my band ‘White Eskimo’ was a big success. But on a beautiful, uncommonly sunny day, we had a match. Also my team mates hadn’t noticed anything was wrong so we played the match we had been waiting for all year, we had been training our heads of, and we were as ready as we could be. The match started. I looked my boyfriend, Louis who was watching our game nervously, in the eyes. It was a look, that screamed ‘I love you!’. He nodded sweetly, and the flute signal, that started the game, echoed through the air. When I turned my head, everything went black. My knees contracted, and before I knew it, I was gone.

 

Later that day, I woke up in the hospital. I felt an unbearable pain and a headache was floating through my head. When the doctor came in he told me about a scan they had made and I was told the bad news.

Bowel cancer.

It should’ve been diagnosed earlier. It already had made its way through my body. It was too late, he said. He could not save me from dying at a young age. He said he did want to do chemo’s even so, just to lengthen my life.

 

A few weeks later, the hospital was my best friend. He deserved an everyday visit. And on top of it all Louis broke up with me. Fucking egoist. He couldn’t take it, he said. How dare he?!? He couldn’t take it. Ha! Tell me more.

 

I was the one that was slowly dying. I was the one in pain. I was the one who needed him. I was the one with troubles. I was the one who always dreamed of my future. Nothing otherwise. I haven’t and never would forgive him. That fucking prick.

 

That all happened two years ago. I’m eighteen now and I’m expected to die at 21.. Three more years to go.. I’m still having chemo’s and all but they will never be able to make me better. So what do I live for? No future expectations and until I die, my life is full of hospital, hospital and more hospital.

In those two years, I have changed from a bubbly, open person, to a ill and depressed one. No one would want to be in my shoes. I don’t even want to..

My favourite thing to do was dreaming. Thinking about the future, everything I would want to do in the future. A future of at least 60 more years. But now.. now my future is reduced with 57 years.. It doesn’t make sense.. Nothing makes sense in this fucked up world.

 

“Harry.” A timid voice came from behind me. “Urghh.. not again.” I turned around sighing, but then I saw him.

Him. Zayn.

My mouth was fully ajar, and tears prickled in my eyes painfully.

 

“Zayn? Is this for real?”

“Hi Harry. I’ve missed you.”

Zayn. Zayn Malik. My first love. We were 14 and head over heels. I got out of the closet with him and everyone seemed to accept it because they saw that we were so in love.. Zayn and I never broke up. When I think about it, it makes me cry again..

 

He got in an accident and was instantly dead.

“God, I missed you too. I wish I could hug you..”

“You can actually” he smirked, “I am a touchable one.”

Before Zayn could even wink I ran into his arms and started sobbing. Zayn patted my back, “It’s ok Harry. I’m not here to keep you from doing it. I would’ve done the same.”

 

“R-Really?” I slightly let go of him. “Aren’t you here to stop me from killing myself? Aren’t you going to tell the sunshine story?” A clear shock in my voice.

“No Haz, I’m just here to- to see you. I missed you.. All those years, I followed you, I wanted to protect you, but I couldn’t get to you or something. It was like a barrier that separated us.. I saw everything that happened and I was powerless. I wanted to hold you so badly. To hug you, kiss you, tell you I- I wanted to tell you I love you. And I couldn’t, because I was dead. And you were alive. Are alive.” Zayn was shaking.

 

“I love you too Zayn.” Was all I said. His whole story didn’t make sense. The only thing I heard was, I love you.

“Wh- what?” He said in shaky breaths.

“You heard me. I love you.”

“But- What about Louis?” I rolled my eyes as Louis suddenly entered the conversation.

“I love you Zayn. Always have and always will.”

“Harry, listen.” He said as he held my hand. “I eventually reached you by my tears. I cried because you were sick and all. That broke the barrier. But I didn’t come here to make you want to kill yourself even more so you can be with me, okay? Heaven isn’t all that great. It’s quite boring. Your life is worth so much more Harry. Don’t throw it away.”

“But I don’t have a life Zayn. I don’t have a damned life. I wish I had one.. If only I did.. I want and need to be with you Zayn. That’s the only way I can be happy again.” I stroked the palm of his hand softly. His beautiful eyes began to water up again.

 

“Okay. Harry. Do whatever you want. I’ll support either choice you make. I love you. See you…”

Zayn was gone in a heartbeat.

I didn’t have to doubt. I walked over to the bathroom and grabbed a random jar of pills. Not even bothering to write a goodbye letter any more, I shook out a handful of pills and swallowed them all at once. My legs felt light, and I swallowed another handful, and another one.

 

—-

 

“I love you so much Zayn.” I pressed my lips against his.

“I love you even more.” His rosy, soft lips curled into a smile while we kissed. This was what I had always dreamed of. Being with Zayn. My first, true, meant to be love.

 

Without pain, without worries, but with a future.

Our future.


End file.
